Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS

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Once upon a time, men would remove their hats, women would cover their hearts with their hands and children would stand still at the sound of the national anthem. Crowds would go silent and entire stadiums of people would stop and listen. Respect used to be such a big deal to Americans. Pride used to run deep in their veins. I would know, my grandfather taught me all about it.

My grandfather died in 2003. His death was kind of a turning point in my life. It was when I grew up for several reasons. I remember the few nights before he died when he was in the hospital. It was the first time I'd really been to the hospital for anything other than one of my mom's friends from work. He was lying in the bed asleep with his "Mountain Man" CD playing at his right side. It was his favorite music, something about a fiddle and acoustic guitar calmed him down. The song changed and the fiddle began to murmur " Amazing Grace". I walked to the left side of the bed and lay down next to him, holding his hand in mine. I remember it not feeling like his hand, this hand was cold and weak, and not strong the strong sturdy hand I'd always known. I got up to leave and when I turned around to look at him, I knew he was already gone. The next morning my mother came home to tell me he had passed away.

A few days later I really grew up. We were sitting behind a privacy screen talking to the funeral director, and I remember it well because it was the first and only time I'd seen my father cry. Seeing a grown man break down in front of me sort of broke me on the inside. It showed me the real intensity of the situation. The next day at the funeral, my cousin, Laura, broke down in the seat next to me. She stayed by my side and didn't turn loose of my hand all day. It was sort of surreal for me, a 13 year old, to be holding my 20 year old, crying cousin. As the preacher ended his speech and "Go Rest High" began to play, I choked back the tears because I knew it would make Laura worse. I remember having to practically carry her to the limo because she was too upset to walk on her own.

The car ride to the national cemetery seemed like it took forever, and the 21 gun salute was even longer. It felt like everything was in slow motion. They played "Taps" and folded the flag for my grandma before they lowered him down, and the while I don't remember ever being sad. I wasn't sad that he had died, but so amazingly proud that he had lived. My grandfather was my hero. He grew up playing, and excelling, in basketball at Ash Grove High school. When he turned 18 he came to Ozark from Ash Grove and enlisted, went to war and came back with a purple heart while outliving every doctor's predictions. He lived the American dream. Hew was honorably discharged from the United States Army, raised a family, and watched three granddaughters grow up. The fact that we no longer have enough respect for men like that makes me sick. Our country used to be so full of pride. After 9/11 we gained some of it back, but obviously not enough. When people at high school football games talk and cuss at the anthem, with their hats still on their heads, we have a serious problem as a nation. In my opinion, if we no longer support our troops and protect our veterans, we don't deserve the many liberties of this country.

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'Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.

Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
He came very close to his final Breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.

They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for You,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.

I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show.

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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

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A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

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Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who's loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks

,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And never attempt to hit on my friend.

Amen.

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.

Amen

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In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.

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I see you face in the full moon
Sometimes your voice fills the room
You are my true hero
Your light forever glows

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