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The chief of staff of the US Air
Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting
crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air
Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and
women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair
of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine
Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up
to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second
young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
This is the transcript of an
actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little
late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down,
found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now
I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he
was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up
to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a
horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the
first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the
General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you
already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that
recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up,
the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do
you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
The Captain called the Sergeant
in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died
yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the
troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the
mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The
rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the
way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey,
Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with,
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd
better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more
tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and
listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so
fast, McGrath!"
All persons, upon entering the military service and upon reenlistment are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing military branches, the Oath
has undergone marked changes and has been specifically tailored to each
branch of the military and their specific function. Here are the latest
versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chief's of Staff:
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment I,
(State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because
the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I
swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real
exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of
exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name
because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a
better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be
sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic
Training" I will be a lean,mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am
superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife
before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around
me, and will go home early every day.So Help Me God! ____________________
Signature ____________________
Date
U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment I,
Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED
STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get
into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy
won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day
and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to
use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even
when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce
killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the
fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual
harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first
year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored
perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I mean
"Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every
othermonth and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first
trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose
to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I
let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at
1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report
back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training
whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up
working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to
everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be
unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!
____________________
Signature ____________________
Date
U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment I,
Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air
Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in
dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why
not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to
have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer
and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a
different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using
words like "deck,bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttle and head," when I
really mean "floor, wall, hat,candy, hole in wall and toilet." I will
take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and
insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different
from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy
with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone
my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a
kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I
consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per
fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to
submit myself to the sick,and quite possibly illegal, whims of my
newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune! ____________________
Signature ____________________
Date
U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment I,
(have someone recite your name for you),
swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies.... ugh...Air Force
women ....HOORAH! So Help Me CORPS! ____________________
Thumb Print ____________________
Date
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that
they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy
personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and
lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could
enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it
with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other
hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
A
couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are
chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes
'round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course
the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of
their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while
the putting down the Herc's deficiencies in these areas. After
taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do
a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally,
the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate. "Just watch," comes the quick retort. And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level.. After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."
Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky. If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe. Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club. What
is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies. Never trade luck for skill. The
three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!" Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication. I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there! Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries. Flying
the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on
the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it. When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. Advice
given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible. The
Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot) A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) If
you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot) If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator) Though
I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at
80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71
operating location Kadena, Japan). You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot) Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970). The
three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good
bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same
time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there) "Now
I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee
attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320). If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. Basic Flying Rules - Try to stay in the middle of the air.
- Do not go near the edges of it.
- The
edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
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