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1. "I put it in distribution."

2. "Your pay will be straight at the end of the month."

3. "I know I left it right here on the top of my desk."

4. "Of course I can read a map."

5. "It's on valid requisition."

6. "No Sir, I don't smoke dope!"

7. "He's in the motor pool."

8. "I have to go back to the rear."

9. "I don't give a d@!& if the General hears about this!"

10. "I need this for the old man right away!"

11. "I was here until midnight last night working on this!"

12. "I read the after action report."

13. "Sorry I'm late, but the Colonel called me just as I was about to leave."

14. "Give me your number and I'll call you back."

15. "This is a courtesy inspection."

16. "We're here to help you."

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice
versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in
clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The
trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and
round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds
of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground
has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Return Hitler's Mein Kampf to the library. "What a wimp."

Paint
apartment in town. Remember to take down and save Charlie Manson's
poster. "Helter Skelter.... OK, there are a few good Americans."

Cancel subscription to Terrorist Monthly, Islamic edition. "That Soldier of Fortune rag is for wussies."

Command
my operatives (in secure channels) to give up that 'purple dinosaur'
thing in America, it isn't subverting the country as I had planned.

Verify $11 million in life insurance policies, with American Casualties, on 2 of my wives. Tell them I'm going camping.

Remember
to give family my new P. O. box. (to forward my allowance) Being an
unemployed playboy terrorist can be a tough life.

Trade in my magic carpet for a Honda Accord. Those Japanese DO make a good set o' wheels!

Hold
yard sale. Available: 4 AK-47 assault rifles in good condition. 400 lbs
of Ammonium nitrate fertilizer. (It was for the lawn) Blueprints for
Bangor Submarine base.

Burn that 'bachelor party' video featuring Saddam's ugly half-sister.

Buy
a Castro Halloween mask early, so I can sneak across the border. Nobody
will be looking for HIM here. As a backup, I could use a Jesse Jackson
costume and pretend I was 'negotiating' with the Taliban!

Look up and save Johnnie Cochran's phone number just in case I DO get caught.......

And pray to Allah that I don't get Yugoslav Ex-President Slobodan Milosevic as a cell-mate. I'm told he doesn't like Muslims!

• Everybody's a Captain except God.... He's a Major.
• You only come to work when you're going to fly....
• You fly three times a day except Friday.
• You never run out of gas.
• The missions are only one hour long and no briefings are ever required.
• You are always on TDY and there are no check rides.
• It is always VFR and there are never any ATC delays.
• You can fly out of the area and flight down to 50' AGL is approved.
• There are no "over G's".
• You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20', then break left.
• You can go cross-country anytime you desire. The farther the better!
• There are no ORI's (Operational Readiness Inspections).
• There is no SOF (Supervisor of Flying) or mobile tower duty.
• There are no Friday meetings, but Friday evening "Stag Bar" is mandatory.
• There are no Flight Surgeons.
• There are no Wing staff jobs.
• You don't need a kitchen pass, and the kitchen and bar are always open.
• "Happy Hour" begins at 1400 hours and lasts til 0200 hours.
• Supersof is the bartender. The other five are big-bosomed blondes.
• Beer is free, but whiskey costs five cents.
• The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels, and Beefeaters.
• The girls are all friendly and each fighter pilot is allowed three.
• There are no fat women and the thin ones look like Sophia Loren.
• Country and Western music is free on the juke box.
• The craps tables are always HOT and you never lose at blackjack!
• You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded at the club.
• The sun always shines and you can put your hat in your leg pocket.
• Flight suits are allowed in the Officers Club at all times.
• The motor pool always provides a staff car for visiting fighter pilots.
• The Base Exchange always has every item you ask for. Most are free.
• There are never any cross-wind landings and the runways are always dry.
• Control tower flybys for a wheels UP check can be made at 600 knots.
• There are never any noise complaints.
• Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
• ER's (Efficiency Reports) always contain the statement "Outstanding Officer".
• Formal functions requiring Class "A" or formal attire never occur.
• "Ace" status is conferred upon all fighter pilots entering Heaven.
• There is no Hell.
• All air traffic controllers are friendly, and always provide priority handling.
• The airplanes never break.

• Well,
  in the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the
  enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
• In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
• In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
• In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
• And
  in the Air Force?  Well,  the officers go off to battle in their pretty
  flight suits, flying their expesnive toys, while the enlisted people
  head for the club for a long one.

The Laws of Aviation

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.


Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.


What
is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up ... the pilot dies.


Never trade luck for skill.


The
three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S--t!!!!"


Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left anyone up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries!

Flying
the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on
the ground incapable of under-standing or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice
given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable,
endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow
and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.


The Altitude above you, the runway behind you, and the fuel not in the plane are totally worthless!!!


A
pilot's job is very simple.... there are 3 lights on an aircraft, red
on left wing tip, green on right wing tip, white on the tail..... Your
job, as a pilot is to keep the plane between these 3 lights!!!!



A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you!!

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.

The
three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a
good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same
time.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to!!

Try
to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The
edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, 
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there.

The 2 most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity and I don't know which is the more.

USMC

1. Bring
   a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who
   have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weaponand a friend with a big weapon.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
10. Use a weaponthat works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army

1. See USMC Rules for combat
2. Add 60 to 90 days
3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance

Navy

1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere
2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
3. Send in the Marines
4. Drink Coffee
5. Bring back the Marines

Air Force

1. Kiss the spouse good-bye
2. Drive to the flight line
3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

Q.  How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A.  He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"

---

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

---

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

---

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

We
all know that it isn't polite to use the F-word. However, there have
been ten times in history where the "F" word has been acceptable for
use:

 

 

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1999


And Number 1 . . . drum roll please . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." -Saddam Hussein, 2003

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